When I want to escape, I don’t dream of beaches or islands.

I dream about being a Designer at Apple again.

But I’m not a designer at Apple. I’m laying in my mom’s lap at 7:43 PM Friday night, December 27. It makes me feel a little bit like a kid again.

I just got off a call with my co-founder. Our GPU spend increased dramatically — something is broken.

Part of the job. I wouldn’t mind. But tonight is my last night back home. Home is in Pennsylvania, I live in San Francisco. I really only see my parents once or twice a year.

I was going to stay until Monday, but a potential hire on the West Coast just asked if I was around. So I booked a flight to make it back by mid-day Saturday.

We really need to hire two engineers. One of our engineers just had a kid.

The thing about being a founder: I’m using other people’s money. My brother’s money, my parents’ money, my best friends’ money. Angels we’ve convinced to believe in us.

Every second, every mistake, comes from borrowed money.

So, I work a lot. Sometimes because I love it, sometimes because I have to, sometimes because it stresses me out not to.

My hours:

• 10am to 11:30 pm, Monday-Thursday, and until 6 PM on Friday’s. I usually manage to take off most weekends, not lately. (If I don’t take off weekends, relationships suffer)

• I work all night maybe once or twice a month. Less nowadays —once I turned 27, it seems I’ll catch a cold like clockwork after an all-nighter.

It’s cliche, but no part of my brain sees failure as an option. I’ve dreamt of doing this my entire life. I don’t know that I have the heart to convince people to believe in me again anyway. The only path is forward.

Elon once said being a founder is like chewing glass and staring into the void. I understood what chewing glass is like, but it took a while to learn what the void is. I won’t try to explain it now. If you’re a founder, you know the void.

So, when I need an escape, I fantasize about taking the path most-traveled. It was nice, and I don’t mean that disparagingly. The boss to impress, the occasional fire to put out, the patent to file, peer reviews and promotions, the upcoming launch. RSU’s and a little bonus when I was good.

We don’t have those here.